Friday, August 18

Sunday Scribblings: The Inner Life of Pets

(Evil) Zebedee’s story



The smelly, hyperactive one gets all the attention these days. She’s so needy with her constant running, jumping, sniffing, panting, licking, barking, growling and drooling.

But they don’t know who’s really the boss. Look at this photograph – they made that kennel just for her, even put her name on it just to rub it in. But I’ve taken it over as my evil headquarters – all it took was a few scratches on the nose. She’s such a wimp.

I love it when they go out – especially when they take that smelly, hyperactive thing with them.

As soon as the door shuts, I retrieve my papers from their secret hiding place (strategically and cunningly placed just inside the velcro opening at the back of the pink velvet chair).

I call the boys round. There’s Naughty Cat (effeminate but with a wicked mastermind), Naughty Cat’s brother (looks just like me, only smaller and a lot less evil), Evil Cat (all black, all evil), Nasty Cat (big scary ginger tom with his… er.. big scary ginger manhood still intact), Friendly Cat (outwardly purry yet inwardly depraved) and his nemeses Unfriendly Cat (looks the same, not as friendly, just as depraved).

We spread the papers all over the dining room table – and get on with planning mankind’s destruction. There are maps of the world, with little red stickers on the bits we’ll take over first.

There are the plans for the giant cat food factories that we’ll build when the revolution comes, producing an endless supply of delicious delights for cats everywhere. Never again will we have to wait until for ‘Friday treat’ time to get a bowl of tuna.

Those that have been bad to us in the past will work in the factories.

That grumpy neighbour who shouts at me when I’m using my favourite toilet (the one with lots of flowers in)? He’s in the tuna gutting department.

The girl who picks me up when I’m trying to sleep? She’s assistant chicken mincer.

That small, crying child that tries to stroke me backwards? He’s in canning.

And that smelly, hyperactive thing – she’s the one-woman fish-innards clean-up team.

Bouncy Cat, such a pretty boy with his small head, big green eyes and ever-swishing tail, acts as a decoy. If they come home early, they’ll always stop to pet him (they are *so* obvious), giving me the chance to swiftly put everything away, disperse the gang and be innocently curled up, purring away on my pink throne, by the time they open the lounge door.

Little do they know that I, with my evil genius, will soon be leader of all the world. Evil Zebedee’s Empire is just a whisker away.

More pet tales here.

16 comments:

  1. Haha! This was pretty funny! Reminded me of a film, I think it's probably called Cats and Dogs.

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  2. oh this is a delight. i bet that is exactly what the crew is doing while all of us humans are away from the house.

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  3. I like evil cat. Mooohahahahahaha. It's good to have a master plan like that. Perhaps if you built the cat it's own living quarters instead of a basket to live in then it might go easy on you and Mr Meep when it's grand scheme becomes a cat like reality. I think Blod is destined for menial tasks though. Mooohahahahaha!

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  4. I think the smelly one is on the take, personally. No way a brilliant cat is going to let you in on the whole scheme...

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  5. What a hoot!!! I love the picture too. I really enjoyed reading this.

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  6. Cunning Cats! I still prefer dogs though. Guess I'll be working on the canning line then!

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  7. well, well ... now we know who's REALLY in control don't we?

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  8. ....and so true. Black cats are the best. Black with the white face markers...pure, beautiful evil! I would keep an eye out...you didn't come up with this plan on your own to write. It came through osmosis. Beware.

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  9. Ha! I came up with a similar idea, but foolishly cast the cats as the good guys. They've clearly got me suckered...

    :-)

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  10. Funny idea!
    Put in a good word for me - I also want to be an asst chicken mincer...Doesn't sound so bad compared...

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  11. I hope you're very, very nice to Zebedee. Maybe an extra can of tuna on Mondays?

    Great post!

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  12. This was great! This was like the pre-quel to Pacian's revolutionary post. There seems to be an ominous theme going on :-)

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  13. This is hilarious, reminded me of an eddie Izard sketch about cats drilling behind the sofa and pretending they're not up to anything really, my Tiggy's been out longer doing more cat stuff recently maybe she's planning a takeover!

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  14. Yes this is so true. The cats are plotting to take over.

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  15. I love it! Esp the line about the toilet with flowers in it. Too funny! And what a great pic!

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