(Evil) Zebedee’s story
The smelly, hyperactive one gets all the attention these days. She’s so needy with her constant running, jumping, sniffing, panting, licking, barking, growling and drooling.
But they don’t know who’s really the boss. Look at this photograph – they made that kennel just for her, even put her name on it just to rub it in. But I’ve taken it over as my evil headquarters – all it took was a few scratches on the nose. She’s such a wimp.
I love it when they go out – especially when they take that smelly, hyperactive thing with them.
As soon as the door shuts, I retrieve my papers from their secret hiding place (strategically and cunningly placed just inside the velcro opening at the back of the pink velvet chair).
I call the boys round. There’s Naughty Cat (effeminate but with a wicked mastermind), Naughty Cat’s brother (looks just like me, only smaller and a lot less evil), Evil Cat (all black, all evil), Nasty Cat (big scary ginger tom with his… er.. big scary ginger manhood still intact), Friendly Cat (outwardly purry yet inwardly depraved) and his nemeses Unfriendly Cat (looks the same, not as friendly, just as depraved).
We spread the papers all over the dining room table – and get on with planning mankind’s destruction. There are maps of the world, with little red stickers on the bits we’ll take over first.
There are the plans for the giant cat food factories that we’ll build when the revolution comes, producing an endless supply of delicious delights for cats everywhere. Never again will we have to wait until for ‘Friday treat’ time to get a bowl of tuna.
Those that have been bad to us in the past will work in the factories.
That grumpy neighbour who shouts at me when I’m using my favourite toilet (the one with lots of flowers in)? He’s in the tuna gutting department.
The girl who picks me up when I’m trying to sleep? She’s assistant chicken mincer.
That small, crying child that tries to stroke me backwards? He’s in canning.
And that smelly, hyperactive thing – she’s the one-woman fish-innards clean-up team.
Bouncy Cat, such a pretty boy with his small head, big green eyes and ever-swishing tail, acts as a decoy. If they come home early, they’ll always stop to pet him (they are *so* obvious), giving me the chance to swiftly put everything away, disperse the gang and be innocently curled up, purring away on my pink throne, by the time they open the lounge door.
Little do they know that I, with my evil genius, will soon be leader of all the world. Evil Zebedee’s Empire is just a whisker away.
More pet tales here.