Number of babies appeared: 0 Number of babies looking like they might appear any time soon: 0 Number of times woken up in the night wondering if slight crampy tummy caused by yummy South Indian food is, in fact, labour pains: About six million
No, not literally my friends. They're all still here. I haven't become a cannibal or owt. I mean our gilled friends that live under the water - the fishes.
I did dabble in fish on honeymoon in Morocco, until an incident with an eyeball reminded me of the reality and put me off for the next four years.
This time, it all started with a trip to the beach when I'd just found out I was pregnant. I'd read lots of books with info on pregnancy nutrition, stressing the importance of fishy things for your growing sproglet.
After a long walk on a windy beach, we often stop off at the Best Chip Shop in the World* for something suitably stodgy to scoff in the car while looking at the sea. Somtimes we'd have a flask of tea - you know, like proper old people.
Usually, I'd have some chips, lots of vinegar and ketchup, maybe a buttered roll. This time, my head filled with Dr Miriam Stoppard's advice to stuff as much fish down my neck as possible or else my baby will leave school with no GCSEs and a collection of ASBOs, I ordered... a piece of cod. I have to admit, it was tasty. Since then, it's progressed to...
Fish pie Teryaki Salmon Tuna mayo in jacket potatoes Smoked salmon pasta Sweet and sour king prawns from the Chinese
And on holiday in Cornwall, I ate the whole sea.
Anyway, last night, insomnia came to visit. I was sitting up at some ungodly hour reading The Pig Who Sang to the Moon and it hit me - this is wrong, wrong, wrong. When Kurt Cobain said "It's OK to eat fish, cos they don't have any feelings", I think he was being ironic, right?
I woke Mr Meep up to dramatically declare "I'm not eating any more fish!", to which he replied "Zzzzzz... What?... Oh.... Zzzzzzzz."
So that's that. I've saved this bit of PETA propaganda in my favourites in case Colin the Cod comes waving his tempting battered self at me again.
Anyway, I've confessed. And now I've stopped. I feel better already. And anyway, it couldn't last, as this conversation was inevitably bound to crop up over the next few years...
Mini Meep: "Mummy, why don't we eat meat?" Me: "Well, Mini Meep, meat comes from animals and animals are our friends, and we don't eat our friends. Imagine eating Blod or Zebedee." Mini Meep: "What about fishies - aren't they our friends too?" Me: "Er... um... oh look, a hedgehog!"
"... As your baby's arrival nears, your body is going through some of the most intense changes of your whole pregnancy. Try not to do too much, and focus on taking care of yourself by getting plenty of rest... "
And here's me, yesterday. After a six-mile walk...